Here are some funny quotes I’ve heard from people over my lifespan:
“Everything I eat benefits me… whether it’s adding to my survival pack or cleaning my colon.” – Family
“You should be scared because I are a math teacher” – Teacher
“It took 5 or 6 chops to cut off the head; I think it would be great” – Teacher
“I never get around to doing anything with my life because I don’t value my life.” – Me
“I love you from the bottom of my heart.. where all the scum and cholesterol is.” – Friend
“… don’t recommend dial-up same as I don’t recommend placing my hand in my table saw as it is just as painful as dial-up but the table saw does the job much quicker. ” – Review on Amazon
“I hate to see a stick caught in a zipper” – Unknown, and was obviously a play on words 
“See if I got door open powers now” – Family
“Magnets attract and subtract” – Family
[Me]: “What would you do if you were a cult leader?” Answer: “Let’s have fun!” – Family
“…everytime I turn around your pc catches aids and needs to be replaced” – Forum user
“Some men are born mediocre, some men achieve mediocrity, and some men have mediocrity thrust upon them.” – Catch-22
“We’re having a conversation right now” Me: “That’s unfortunate. Let’s end it.” “Ok.” – Family
“I’ve noticed an increased amount of hacking activity, as well as an increase in male enhancement adverts lately, starting to get worried that hackers with erectile dysfunctions are taking over.” – Forums
“I never look at the pronunciations of the words anyway ’cause I don’t know what any of those cute marks mean.” – Teacher
“I’m gonna steal the Eiffel Tower” – Classmate
Classmate: “I think you’re a racist” Teacher: “Uhh… maybe?”
Classmate1: “I have no soul” Classmate2: “There’s a Visine for that”
“Please Have All Students Clean Their Water spills of the Floor. Because The water Mes. Up The push Broom Thank -U-.” – Janitor left this on our board.
“If you crumple it up… I may have to beat you severely with a wet noodle” – Teacher
“Generally, the Real Programmer plays the same way he works– with computers. He is constantly amazed that his employer actually pays him to do what he would be doing for fun anyway (although he is careful not to express this opinion out loud)” – pbm.com
